Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A live-in domestic worker: "You are never sure that your soul is your own except when you are out of the house.

When you feel that life has nothing to offer you, then offer your greatness for the humanity.

I give 98 percent of my mental energy to Chess Others give only 2 percent

I believe the risks I take are justified by the sheer love of the life I lead.

To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of the hearer as well as those of the speaker.

Our television program airs to a potential audience of over 3 billion people, in many places where the people living there may have never even heard of Jesus.

It always amazes me when I see young people with raw talent and passion.

That's the thing about best friends. That's what they do. They keep you from spinning off the edge.

All the best performers bring to their role something more, something different than what the author put on paper. That's what makes theatre live. That's why it persists.

Poetry is a finikin thing of air That lives uncertainly and not for long Yet radiantly beyond much lustier blurs.