My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Truth is the greatest strength we have against the darkness.

Entrepreneurship does not build character

My family life, my adoption - it could be related to the songs, but I think the songs are deeper than that. They're not just about this experience.

I do take the threat of terrorism seriously. You cannot eliminate that threat or diminish that threat by bombing a country.

Don't wait to be happy to laugh... You may die and never have laughed.

In comedy, you see yourself as a newcomer and then you realize you've been doing it for 18, 20 years, which is ridiculous.

It's been a pleasure to bring my talents to south beach now on to Memphis.

I have come to believe that the best kind of walk, or journey, is the one in which you have no particular destination when you set out.

I like the Kardashians, but I do keep them on the top of my prayer list.

The biggest thing is to have a mind-set and a belief you can win every tournament going in.