If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

We are wrapped around a mystery to which we were drawn before we were born.

My purpose is to serve a purpose to humanity

If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Actually, I always dreamed about getting a gold medal in the 100-meter freestyle in Olympic swimming. I always thought that would be the epic award in sports to get.

I love Michelle Williams and Natalie Portman - those are the careers I want. My goal is to win an Oscar, and I'm going to take the steps to get there.

Much more prevalent than physical fear is the fear of criticism, rejection, and verbal opposition.

I'm really fortunate to be at Stanford. I go home every 10 weeks, but Stanford apart from being just a wonderful university is one of the places that are part of a great conversation.

I think that for me, it's God, family and Yahoo - in that order.

Jesse Jackson was spending time with his family, or families.

No man who is corrupt, no man who condones corruption in others, can possibly do his duty by the community.