Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Success-minded people need to understand that the best way to learn is to ask questions and listen for answers.

Silence is the mother of all tongues

I'm a great sports fan, you know. I love to watch tennis and basketball and baseball and so on.

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

Not everyone can be a theologian, but everyone should know some theology.

I was working at the store on the Sony studios in Culver City. And I was literally holding a shirt when they came in and told me I'd got the part! It just shows dreams do come true.

The short story is the literature of the nomad.

Like sweet morning dew I took one look at you And it was plain to see You were my destiny

And personally I will say that Amy Poehler deserves about a thousand trophies and so one is a good start, and I'm hoping this is the first of a thousand. That's my personal hope.

I woke with a start. At first I assumed I'd trumped myself awake again.