Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

One day at a time, we will reach our dream land.

This is an era of violent peace.

Los Angeles has interested me for a long time. I was in Texas for five years, for the same reason. I wanted to photograph there.

He thinks he believes only what he sees, but he is much better at believing than at seeing.

If one has not read the newspapers for some months and then reads them all together, one sees, as one never saw before, how much time is wasted with this kind of literature.

I'm dense when it comes to discouragement.

On December 17, 1984, I had surgery to remove two inches of my left lung due to pneumonia. After two hours of surgery the doctors told my mother I had AIDS.

The most welcome guest in society will ever be the one to whose mind everything is a suggestion, and whose words suggest something to everybody.

There's a category for me. I like to be referred to as a good singer of good songs in good taste.

If you take the time to study how to be a doctor and how to use your scalpel and your medicine, then there are endless beings out there to help.