J. B. Colbert Quotes

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

The whales do not sing because they have an answer, they sing because they have a song.

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

If you look at Paleolithic cave paintings, you see how people were depicted inside nature, not outside it. It was a kind of dream time. That's what I'm exploring.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

It matters more what's in a woman's face than what's on it.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

I bet you think an egg is something you casually order for breakfast when you can't think of anything else. Well, so did I once, but that was before the egg and I.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.

The casting couch? There's only one of us who ever made it to stardom without it, and that was Bette Davis.

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

Is it only humans that look up with wonder at the stars and the vastness of the universe?

We need to renegotiate our contract with nature. Ecology is a unifying force that can diminish intolerance and expand our empathy towards others - both human and animal.

I know what's best for me, after all I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody.

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

I spent all my time at school in the library. Bad teachers can teach you to learn on your own.

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.

I have invented nothing. I have simply documented a magical alchemy that I want to share.

The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?