An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

The more grateful you are for everything good that comes into your life, the more closely you place your mind in contact with that power in life that can produce greater good.

Some people make a bad bed, they just have to lie in it.

Just breathe and believe.

I've got the hungries for your love and I'm waiting in your welfare line.

You can't think. You just have to do things.

Evolution is what it is. The upper classes have always died out; it's one of the most charming things about them.

I have ever regarded the freedom of religious opinions and worship as equally belonging to every sect.

We cannot heal what we cannot feel.

Forty-five percent of Iraqi citizens think it is morally okay to attack American troops.

Let all your thinks be thanks.