God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Striking a balance in life is tough, but trying to strike balance and remain fair in the face of imbalance and oppression is even tougher.

The truth is not that we need the critics in order to enjoy the authors, but that we need the authors in order to enjoy the critics.

My goodness, you're 60 already, already Time is a thief But still, you're only as old as your tongue And a little bit older than your teeth Have a wonderful birthday

I consider the opportunity to bear witness to the eloquent beauty of Baikida's music a distinct honor. Baikida Carroll is polarized; poised; at a matchless point between lyricism and fire.

I know a fat girl, she wears an orange skirt. You give her twenty dollars and you can do your work.

No matter how rich and prosperous, a nation without independence, cannot be subject to any behaviour before the humanity, at a higher level than serving.

On the other side of the fear live your possibilities.

If people don't like the history, I'm sorry.

If we play to first time Blink 182 listeners, it's good they are listening to us and not the Backstreet Boys. Old Fans or new fans, it's all the same to us.

People should always know better.