I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

She knew him as much as the knowing of her own heart’s secret: she was destined for the forest.

No man is as big as his own idea.

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

The concept is to weave in some emotion.

Negroes are human beings with exactly the same faults and virtues as members of the other races.

See the wild birds on the wing, Hear the bells that sweetly ring, When you feel like singin', sing-- Keep a-goin'!

Sound money and free banking are not impossible; they are merely illegal.

I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

Of all human activities, education is the one most likely to give rise to cant, pomposity and fraudulent expertise.

I like the fact that in ancient Chinese art the great painters always included a deliberate flaw in their work: human creation is never perfect.