They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Sometimes life itself rewards our early investments.

Must not understanding lie open unto wisdom as the pyramids lie open to the stars? (6:2)

Gold don't come off. What's good stays good no matter how much of a beating it takes.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

My greatest gift ever is public embarrassment and shame

Unhurt people are not much good in the world.

I want to win at everything. I usually don't like things that I'm not good at, but it doesn't mean I don't want to win at them.

One of the problems we have is children are not in school long enough in the day and during the year.

In the book of life every page has two sides: we human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes and wishes, but providence writes on the other side, and what it ordains is seldom our goal.

If you don't stick up for what's yours, and defend what's yours... what are you?