The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.

With love and kindness, grow peace in your mind and then spread it with joy.

What is the point of searching for love, when love is nothing but an illusion?

These creatures you call mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vastly hyperintelligent pandimensional beings.

The high-grossing films are not all that interesting to me, I have to say. It's not stuff I would want to be in. Yes, you would want the big paycheck, but that's never really been my concern.

Religious truth, or for that matter any truth, requires a calm and meditative atmosphere for its percolation.

There is no conflict between a better meal and a better world.

Humility must always be doing its work like a bee making honey in the hive: without humility all will be lost.

Every sport evolves. Every sport gets bigger and more athletic, and you have to keep up.

Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out