There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Step aboard and we will fly through the window, through the sky

We forget because we must And not because we will.

Old minds are like old horses you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order.

No labor is hard, no time is long, wherein the glory of eternity is the mark we level at.

I was a liberal arts junkie and I figured, well, I'll go work for somebody somewhere. All I knew was that I was going to have to come home and figure it out.

I'm divorced and I've been to the circus and seen the clowns. This ain't my first rodeo.

I worry that if whatever pops into your head at any instant immediately goes online, you lose the crucial time for your thoughts to simmer and evolve and build up nuance, depth and empathy.

You do what you have to do to get through today, and that puts you in the best place tomorrow.

I'm sensitive about my image of being hard to reach.

The path is smooth that leadeth on to danger.