Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

May we always see life through love-coloured glasses.

Imagine the possibilities of your dreams.

Education is the key to success in life, and teachers make a lasting impact in the lives of their students.

What I'm still grappling with and learning how to do is to be looking and thinking cinematically, having come from television.

Opera combines pretty basic theater and poetry, but the storyline itself is actually quite poetic and, after some digital research, taking that actual content and seeing it as undeniably poetic.

I hate movies. They're so boring. So tedious.

At long as a stock is acting right, and the market is right, do not be in a hurry to take profits. One should never permit speculative ventures to run into investments.

I'm still a mod, I'll always be a mod, you can bury me a mod.

I've been looking over the list of spring chores I made up last fall, and darned if they aren't fall chores, after all.

I'm grateful for doing those drugs, because they kept me from getting laid and I would have gotten AIDS.