A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

Whatever you do, love everybody around you.

You cannot push any one up a ladder unless he be willing to climb a little himself.

We are more heavily taxed by our idleness, pride and folly than we are taxed by government.

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of.

Do what is right, though the world may perish.

The happiest stutterers, I learned, are those who are willing to stutter in front of others.

It's not the violence of the few that scares me, it's the silence of the many

Failing can provide invaluable lessons and making mistakes and experiencing setbacks is part of the DNA of every successful entrepreneur.

My religion is the Earth, man. I believe in trees.

I'll just have to get it against my favorite team.