People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.

Paris is a hard place to leave, even when it rains incessantly and one coughs continually from the dampness.

I'm not concentrated or concerned with any other factors rather than just being able to do the best job that I can.

Some countries of Europe have to free themselves from the US Empire. They are not going to frighten us because we are a people with dignity and sovereignty.

There is nothing more precious than laughter

The devil won't stay where there is music.

The way that we make dumb decisions and discriminatory decisions is by employing stereotypes about groups of people. We don't see people as fully human when other people speak for them.

We always had our own vegetables growing up and now I'm doing it with my kids at our house in the country.

Love the one you're with.