I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Your love is my diamond that I want to wear near my heart. Your hug is my heaven where I want to belong always.

Every man dies. Not every man truly lives." Sir William Wallace

Cancer's only one page in my life, and I will not allow this page to impact the rest of my life.

One night alone in prayer might make us new men, changed from poverty of soul to spiritual wealth, from trembling to triumphing.

Time keeps no measure when true friends are parted, No record day by day; the sands move not for those who, loyal-hearted, friendship's firm laws obey.

Life scars us with its random motion, he thought. Only death is perfect.

The characters are complicated. The people you think are bad, may not be so bad, and the ones you think are good, may not be so good.

God, the king of artists, was clumsy.

I gave up coffee. It's almost worse than giving up a lover.

Stay stupid. Follow your unconventional crazy heart.