I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

There are two bonds formed – belonging together and suffering together.Which bond will withstand the true test of Darkness?

Ye have taught me something I never understood.""What? How to get rid of Parisian Pink Pecker Disease?

fierce lovers.and battle warriorsboth comefrom the same place. there is bound to be, some bloodshed.

No one ever said you can’t have world dominance and a little romance too.

Any way I can produce runs and keep runs off the board for the other team, that's what I'm going to try to do.

Cocaine made people deaf, it made people dead and it made people real obnoxious.

It's not about what you're capable of, It's about what you're willing to do.

I never thought it would end like this. I never thought he would leave me without saying goodbye.

And if I was humming "Happy Birthday" and smiling stupidly as I fled for my life—well, that was nobody's business, was it?

My fantasy for children's television is that it's not really children's television, it's everybody's television.