I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

A good man will find that there is goodness in the world; an honest man will find that there is honesty in the world; and a man of principle will find principle and integrity in the hearts of others.

We have fallen into this very mean description of humanity. Naturalism in fiction is too reductive in its definition of human beings.

He solved at a stroke the great question of the direction of nerve-currents in their travel through brain and spinal cord.

Keep your mind centered on that which leads to light, intensively. Accept no substitute.

Women need men like fish need bicycles.

I have no question that when you have a team, the possibility exists that it will generate magic, producing something extraordinary But don't count on it.

Astronomy is the science of the harmony of infinite expanse.

All observations of life are harsh, because life is. I lament that fact, but I cannot change it.

When I try to sound like the contemporary sound, it never turns out that way. That's just me.

You must not pity me because my sixtieth year finds me still astonished. To be astonished is one of the surest ways of not growing old too quickly.