I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Life is like a story

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.

I think the common experience is that modern shamans are called by the spirits

I do not think it pleases the Lord when we worry because we think we never do enough or that what we do is never good enough.

John McGovern taught me that it's OK to write repeatedly about the same things.

School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.

At the heart of capitalism is creative destruction.

No matter what politicians promise, Social Security reform will not change the fact that your money is taken from your paycheck and sent to Washington, where it will be spent.

I think I was just too young to even understand what was going on. When I was still living in South Africa, there was still so much racial tension.

Where most entrepreneurs fail is on the things they don't know they don't know.