Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did.

You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.