Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Your eyes should never be lent to the devil

And I played music through the night, alone, echoing through the halls. My life, alive through note.

It's never too soon to worry. Worry spurs preparation.

Move too quickly and time will pass you by.

I was a constitutional law professor, which means unlike the current president I actually respect the Constitution.

Dr. Seuss provided "ingenious and uniquely witty solutions to the standing problem of the juvenile fantasy writer: how to find, not another Alice, but another rabbit hole.

Free from what? What does that matter to Zarathustra! Clearly, however, shall your eye show to me: free for what?

I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me.

Don't educate people; touch them emotionally. Remember that people want to be scared or they want to be made happy or they want to be made sad.

A man that's fond precociously of stirring , :;:; Must be a spoon.