I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Mindfulness is observing and asking why. Millions saw the apple fall but Newton asked why.

The culture of the Epic Fail, in its rituals of comic sacrifice, is a culture of sublimated predation.

The reading of all good books is like a conversation with the finest minds of past centuries.

It's important to teach your kids the value of being active by setting a good example.

We cannot experimentally map out the brain. Its just too big. In a piece of the brain the size of a pinhead there are 3,000 pathways like a city with 3,000 streets.

When you try to convince yourself that something doesn't bother you, it usually bothers you more.

America is such a paradoxical society, hypocritically paradoxical, that if you don't have some humor, you'll crack up.

It is human defect — to try to know oneself by the self of another.

A green jobs bill would include both job creation and job training.

I love goofing around, and I love breaking people's balls. I do it off camera, as well as on camera.