Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When the GRACE of God is empty in a man's life then the DISGRACE of the devil comes in.

Was this the face that launch'd a thousand ships And burnt the topless towers of Ilium? Sweet Helen make me immortal with a kiss. - Her lips suck forth my soul see where it flies! -

Spiritual Christians look upon the world not as a playground but as a battleground.

Tell me how much you know of the sufferings of your fellowmen and I will tell you how much you have loved them.

I love theater. I also love radio. I love language.

out of the frying pan and into the fire

I can get very depressed by a review that is unfair, unreasonable, and totally destructive.

The sciences are said, and they are truly said, to have a mutual connection, that any one of them may be the better understood, for an insight into the rest.

Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me.