David Letterman Quotes
The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum.
Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.
Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at [email protected].
How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.
Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of Kids Behind.'
There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.
Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it's just gunfire.
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.
You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.
Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.'
The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It's a horrible lot in life.
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.
Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.
A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.
John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.
You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'
Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.'
Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.
