Apparently, there's something hinky about the new iPhones. They're not hooked up right. ... There's a problem with the antenna. They don't like to be held - like my ex-wife.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The feet of them that preach the gospel of peace possess beauty

Don't do something for recognition. Do it out of kindness. Do it because out of giving, it will make you whole and complete

Adversity is a spiritual awaken in every soul.

I've always tried to do my very best, and I want to be the very best age, whatever age I am.

Think! Think and wonder. Wonder and think. How much water can 55 elephants drink?

Good men make good rhinoceroses, unfortunately.

The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... then beat 'em.

I'd have stopped writing years ago if it were for the money.

Anne Hathaway you gave a stunning performance in "Les Miserables." I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were onstage with James Franco at the Oscars.