Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Destiny, if I could sit across the porch from God, I'd thank Him for Lending me you.....

He's the President—it's the responsibility of every citizen to criticize aggressively when they think it's warranted.

My purpose to be is the purpose of the universe.

Don't always know what I am talking about, feels like I'm living in the middle of doubt.

He dinna act like an Alpha." "He does in some areas.

We need to think deeply about whether we can sustain banks that are not only too big to fail, but potentially too big to bail.

Real beauty lies in the spiritual accord that is called love which can exist between a man and a woman.

Play is the exultation of the possible.

I always wanted to be a lawyer,but I certainly never wanted to be a trapeze performer.

My opinions about human nature are shared by many psychologists, linguists, and biologists, not to mention philosophers and scholars going back centuries.