Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Jesus told us to make disciples, not decisions.

Although the outlook is clouded by a number of uncertainties, the central tendencies of the projections .. imply continued good economic performance in the United States.

I am god...to the dislexic segment of the population.

San Francisco is perhaps the most European of all American cities

Your passion must be tempered with patience. Maybe long-suffering patience would be a better word.

Myth is the secret opening through which the inexhaustible energies of the cosmos pour into human manifestation.

Never limit yourself because of others' limited imagination; never limit others because of your own limited imagination.

Any bailout of a private company is a bad decision by our federal government. Private companies have the right to succeed, but they also should have the right to fail.

I don't believe in open relationships. If you want to be with someone else, you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

Although we deal with probabilities and expectations, the actual results can deviate substantially from such expectations, particularly on a short-term basis.