I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Failure is only postponed success as long as courage 'coaches' ambition. The habit of persistence is the habit of victory.

Some people are still unaware that reality contains unparalleled beauties. The fantastic and unexpected, the ever-changing and renewing is nowhere so exemplified as in real life itself.

There are as many types of non-dualities as there are dualities.

Women receive he insults of men with tolerance, having been bitten in the nipple by their toothless gums.

One small ball in the air. I wouldn't believe that at this moment you have to fear the intelligence aspects of this.

If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

So it’s really best to keep your secrets when you have them, for their own good, as well as yours.

Our job as directors is to entertain an audience, it's not just to do it for the director. You might as well sit in a white room and look at the movie for the rest of your life - it's ridiculous.

Eternal life is not a gift from God; eternal life is the gift OF GOD.

Party spirit enlists a man's virtues in the cause of his vices.