I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Although nothing has come yet, something is here already.

The tyranny of majorities may be as bad as the tyranny of Kings.

Stand-up will always come first. I've been doing it for 22 years, and nothing compares to that connection you have with the audience. It's euphoric.

Careers very rarely are a waste of time; jobs usually are.

The cheapest and most efficient way of slowing down global warming is to protect and restore the forests, particularly the tropical forests

I went to Princeton specifically to study physics.

I would love to be able to serve in office in some capacity with Romney as president.

I think that the consumer is generally unaware of certain material facts, particularly the tax risk and compensation issues.

That’s always the hardest thing when someone completely has you fooled so much, that you think they’re just never going to hurt you, then they do. That’s when you get the worst heartbreak.

An admiral should be put to death now and then to encourage the others.