You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Sometimes, son," my father said, prying my fingers free, "you have to help the heroes along.

Not really, but after that I think about how I could kill him while he slept if I really wanted to, and then I feel better.

The most important of my discoveries have been suggested to me by failures.

To the poet as a basement quilt, but perhaps To some reader a latticework of regrets.

We could, of course, always make the payments, simply by printing more money - we simply promise to pay people by giving them dollar bills - but that could set off inflation.

The reason you get married is to be together, not to be separated.

Sports plays a societal role in engendering jingoist and chauvinist attitudes. They're designed to organize a community to be committed to their gladiators.

When you judge others, the issue is almost always with you.

I am a law student in my first year at the law, and there are many moments when I am simply a mess.

Whatever had form or shape must be limited, and could not be eternal.