When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

When you have your conscious mind, you have everything you need to succeed.

Even when a girl is married she still never completely leaves her mother and father's home.

Between the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.

That I could clamber to the frozen moon. And draw the ladder after me.

In my mind it strolls, as well as in my apartment. A cat, strong, sweet and delightful.

In 'Imitation of Life', I was showing how a girl might feel under the circumstances, but I am not showing how I felt.

When we are not sure, we are alive.

Not that I am ashamed of my mind or body, my birth or breeding, my actions or fortunes, for my bashfulness is in my nature, not for any crime.

Israeli government & the neocons want US to bomb Iran.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart.