I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Love is breathing each other with all madness

I will tell you in another life when we are both cats.

The Bible is clear - God's definition of marriage is between a man and a woman.

I like my life. I've had a good life. I think the reason is my parents taught me that life is a burden. But if you take it one day at a time, it's an easy burden.

Good Will is the mightiest practical force in the universe.

Meditation is all about connecting with your soul. Part of maintaining your well-being is taking the time to disconnect from the outside to go within.

I seldom deal in symbolisms; if there be hidden meanings in my verse, they are there without my knowledge.

There are three things in speech that ought to be considered before some things are spoken--the manner, the place and the time.

To slow down is to be taken into the soul of things.

The bitter past, more welcome is the sweet.