59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Being rich or famous does not equate an effective life

All kinds of people read poetry: revolutionaries, scholars, sentimentalists etc. But above all else, lovers read poetry. Why? Because we fell in love. And then we fell in love with love.

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

This is a core principle of my presidency - if you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.

The very essence of martial arts is the thirst for knowledge and the truth about ourselves.

One Tree Hill was my very first television audition; it was a fairytale. I feel really lucky to have that level of success right out of the gate.

To make lashes curl better, take a hair dryer to your eyelash curler for one or two seconds before using it.

A hot wind was blowing around my head, the strands of my hair lifting and swirling in it, like ink spilled in water.

Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves.

Personal hatred and family affection are not incompatible; they often flourish and grow strong together.