Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Do nothing, and nothing happens. Life is about decisions. You either make them or they're made for you, but you can't avoid them.

The amount of time spent doing something is what adds value to it

Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. Every day, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.

That's always the way with fanatics; they cross themselves at the tavern and throw stones at the temple.

There's a Cuban saying: Bicho malo nunca muere. Loose translation: The good die young but the wicked live forever. It seems to apply to Fidel. I hope it applies to me.

Silk didn't care if it slid over scars or smooth, untouched skin. I'd earned my right to be paranoid.

Sit down every day and DO IT. Writing is a self-taught craft; the more you work at it, the more skilled you become. And when you're not writing, READ.

I fast for greater physical and mental efficiency

In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.

A baby was sleeping, Its mother was weeping.