Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

That settles it, no more books about vampire before bedtime.

All answers that you seek can only be found within.

Love is a precious gift which cost nothing.

All the bravery that lines our lives, in the ordinary moments adds up to an extraordinary, successful life.

I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death.

Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.

Certainly we disagree with the Communist Party, as we disagree with other political parties who are trying to maintain the American way of life.

I'm sort of getting into the idea of nourishing your inner aspect and doing that by investing in your family and making a meal and creating time together.

Little boxes made of ticky-tacky, and they all look just the same.

As a performer, I'm very, very confident in what I do.