Dana Gould Quotes

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.