I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

I am afraid a monster is grown that will devour all of us. Yet we must fight him.

The art the wealthy use in business is to jump.

What do you think my brain is made for? Is it just a container for the mind? This great grey matter, Sensei replied what is your woman, Is she just a container for the child? That soft pink matter

Sincere biblical repentance is as much a work of grace as not sinning in the first place. To err is human, to make progress is divine.

The person who knows only one religion does not know any religion.

My dancers are the real stars.

I never got into sports at all until I was in my early 20s, after my music career got going.

Quotologists encounter happy surprises, bright books by faded authors, treasures hidden under dust.