I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

My months are spent preparing for the fall.

Everything I do is kind of a lesson, even if I am the only person who learns it.

The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.

From the time I read my first Hemingway work, The Sun Also Rises, as a student at Soldan High School in St. Louis, I was struck with an affliction common to my generation: Hemingway Awe.

If the hill will not come to Mahomet, Mahomet will go to the hill.

I'm not quite sure what the santicity of marriage is.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

I hated having to go out on the block and scramble - that's the worst job in the world, especially if you ain't making any real money.

The new is threatening to those who have mastered the old.

Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. An obsessed, vampire stalker