Quote of the Day
Authors Categories Blog Quote Maker Videos
 

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Find the best Anthony Jeselnik quotes with images from our collection at QuotesLyfe. You can download, copy and even share it on Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, Linkedin, Pinterst, Reddit, etc. with your family, friends, colleagues, etc. The available pictures of Anthony Jeselnik quotes can be used as your mobile or desktop wallpaper or screensaver.


Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother."

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time."

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "The opposite of sad is down's syndrome."

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor."

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry."

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it."

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces."

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream."

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her."

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails."

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem."

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs."

I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?"

Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general."

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it."

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it"

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy."

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin."

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do."

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you."

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant."

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights."

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same."

I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place."

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst."

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage."

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist."

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off."

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor."

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player."

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents."

It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop."

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome."

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die."

I don't get back as much as I'd like to, so I don't have a lot of close ties [Pittsburgh], but I'll bleed black and gold until I die.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way."

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd."

My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration."

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "The world is full of horrible things."

The world is full of horrible things.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves."

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference."

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything."

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ."

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it."

Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything."

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking."

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much."

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault."

I love Austin, but last time I was in town for twelve hours. I was exhausted, drunk and miserable. But none of that was Austin's fault.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I'm too cynical to be an optimist."

I'm too cynical to be an optimist.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well."

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.