My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Our actions let us walk and live. Our imaginations let us fly. So be action oriented and never forget to dream.

I never took a day off in my twenties. Not one. And I'm still fanatical, but now I'm a little less fanatical.

I feel sorry for the young people today. I think there's too much paparazzi and not enough protection.

If't were not for my cat and dog, I think I could not live.

I'm not only uninterested in having children. I am opposed to having children. Having a purebred human baby is like having a purebred dog; it is nothing but vanity, human vanity.

The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences.

If a girl doesn't have a sense of humor, then what would you have to talk about?

When you are tempted to give up, your breakthrough is probably just around the corner.

Never turn down a job because you think it's too small, you don't know where it can lead.

It is the fault of our rhetoric that we cannot strongly state one fact without seeming to belie some other.