2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

If you have life, strength and time, it is enough to perform your sacred task.

Give chance to your wheels to turn with their maximum potentials as long as your passion fuels your life. Don’t give up

In order to pronounce a book bad it is not enough to discover that it elicits no good response from ourselves, for that might be our fault.

You had to break, to be unbroken. In the brokenness, I had found, that which was unbroken. That which was perfect, and beautiful, and complete.

But I think beautiful is simple and elegant, like a ballad with simple harmony.

I'm passionate about the game of football.

[The] type of education now prevailing all over the world is directed against human freedom. State-controlled education ... deprives people of their free choice, creativity and brilliance.

Just as I defend myself, therefore, From all unpleasant happenings however small, Likewise, I shall act for others' sake To guard and to protect them with compassion.

Through yoga practice you can change the course of your life by purifying your karma. But to do that you must have an idea of where you've been and where you want to go.

Whose school-hours are all the days and nights of our existence.