Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Leadership is a two-way street, loyalty up and loyalty

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I am touching you and feeling you, not with my hand, but with my feelings and love.

I don't the life of a thug. I live the life of a sinner.

Immortality, thou art a chimerical bridesmaid of life.

Jimi Hendrix could play better than our best guys and he did it while he was dancing while being completely outrageous.

Let yourself go. Pull out from the depths those thoughts that you do not understand, and spread them out in the sunlight and know the meaning of them.

What is socially irresponsible, once again, is just all my opinion. But there are things that I don't think are cool.

If you stare at someone long enough, you start to see their humanity.

The rich are happier than we are, and should be.

We're all trying to decide whether your scores up there are a miracle or a mistake." "A habit.