I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Every library should try to be complete on something, if it were only the history of pinheads.

You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.

The only thing a master can teach is how to learn about yourself. There are no secrets. They are only techniques to waken yourself.

Someday the world is going to know who I am-just be hearing my first name.

If you've only had one relationship, how do you know you're good in bed?

Because life is short but sweet for certain We're climbing two by two To be sure these days continue These things we cannot change

Hillary Clinton used the State Department to enrich their family at America's expense.

My characters are not plastic.

Where two discourse, if the anger of one rises, he is the wise man who lets the contest fall.

God sendeth and giveth both mouth and the meat.