Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

He was too perfect, despite being one of the most imperfect people I knew.

God first love us.

2AM where do i begin, Crying off my face again, The silent sound of lonliness, Wants to follow me to bed

Sin is that God said something and i don't think so. Sin is to be conceived with my own ideas. Sin is that i see it my way and not God's way.Sin is my own Ideas. Sin is Unbelieve

It is a sign of creeping inner death when we can no longer praise the living.

We are programmed; we are literally programmed genetically and then we are programmed environmentally and most people never break out of that programming.

Most things disappoint till you look deeper.

It's joyful to give. But for people who want to take advantage of you, you're kind of an easy mark.

Perfect good sense shuns all extremity, content to couple wisdom with sobriety.

Built into you is an internal guidance system that shows you the way home. All you need to do is heed the voice.