Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The truth may set you free. It won't fill your fuel tank.

My older brother was involved in the folk movement. We would gather every weekend in Washington Park. The folk songs were so important to my reality.

I think, with abstraction, it's easy to fall into a sort of pastiche.

At the end of the day, one of the most politically active voters in the country, seniors, will know who stood with them and who didn't.

I'm not sure who discovered water, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't a fish.

Great passions may either bring great victories or great sorrows! In both cases, it is always a great privilege to have great passions!

Even God is said to be unable to use force against necessity.

Let us not turn schools into dumps when we go out and vote on Monday.

Know something about something. Don’t just present your wonderful self to the world. Constantly amass knowledge and offer it around.

Singing and being truthful to a song... I've developed that skill, and I know how to do that real instinctively, that's all I've been doing for the last 25 years.