Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

My first time on stage was the class "graduation" at the Comedy Store. It was awesome. Everything got huge laughs and I just thought I knew how to do comedy.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.

I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.

I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

I tell very mean jokes.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.