I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Listen to the whispers or soon you will be listening to the screams.

Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.

Never place your happiness in someone else's hands because if they walk away, so does your happiness.

'The Best Man' was my first feature film, and I didn't want to be known as a director who only does romantic comedies.

We should have a debt that grows our productivity, we cant borrow to pay salaries. I can borrow to build power plants.

In addition to being a nurse, I'm also a small business owner and I taught at a local community college. I'm also a proud mother of three and grandmother of six - all of them wonderful.

If everything is important, then nothing is.

I will also continue to strongly oppose any reauthorization of the Patriot Act that does not protect the rights and freedoms of law-abiding Americans with no connection to terrorism.

Mayor Koch, of New York, was the first public figure to give me support.

The ability to connect and influence people, that's the job of a leader. And we're all leaders at some level.