Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Staying locked into an image of how things are supposed to be can blind us to the grace of what is.

You never know, I might get back into coaching someday.

When deep space exploration ramps up, it'll be the corporations that name everything, the IBM Stellar Sphere, the Microsoft Galaxy, Planet Starbucks.

If I have someone who believes in me, I can move mountains.

I lost my childhood. I didn't play football or video games. Or have birthdays or the love of a family.

Conceive. That is the word that means both the beginning in imagination and the end in creation.

One forgets so quickly one's own youth.

I am continually trying to find meaning in the world. If we cannot find some ultimate significance or value in our lives, we fall very easily into despair.

Uncle Scrooge preferred to let the poor die "and decrease the surplus population." Scrooge may not have had God on his side, but his arithmetic was impeccable.

Obviously, computers have made differences. They have fostered the development of spaceships- as well as a great increase in junk mail.