You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Don't waste time with people who waste time.

There are times you wake up in the middle of the night, fingers hit the keyboard and you allow words to flow. That is a writer.

People's minds are overloaded with information.

It always surprised Valkyrie whenever she realized just how close the weird and the wonderful, and the fierce and the frightening, lived to the rest pf the non-magical, mortal world.

Man is the only thing that has no further use after something goes amiss.

To try to raise a son from inside the prison walls is a very difficult thing. But I want to say to the world my son at 16 was the one who tried the most to get me out of prison.

When a child is born, so are grandmothers.

All love is sweet, given or received.

I would consider a half hour sitcom if the script was good.

When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.