When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

SOMETIMES PEOPLES THAT YOU DONT CONSIDER AS FRIENDS AS YOUR FRIENDS ARE REALLY YOUR FRIEND.

Radiate a Smile with a Happy Face, and you make everyone Happy, Make a sad faceand you Scare everyone !

Either you run the day or the day runs you

The biggest financial pitfall in life is divorce. And the biggest reason for divorce is marriage.

A consumer is not a moron. She's your wife. Don't insult her intelligence, and don't shock her.

I've had some incredible moments in my life - thus far. I hope a lot more are coming.

The first step that leads to our identity in life is usually not 'I know who I am,' but rather 'I know who I am not.'

These days, insecure in our relationships and anxious about intimacy, we look to technology for ways to be in relationships and protect ourselves from them at the same time.

In the future, how we educate our children may prove to be more important than how much we educate them.

The Creative Power within us makes us into the image of that to which we give our attention.